Surviving and Rebuilding in the Wake of the Unthinkable

I never could have expected to be a voice for depression, mental illness or suicide prevention. But you don’t always get to choose the causes with which you get involved. Sometimes they choose you.

On April 23, 2018, the life I had known for 49 years abruptly ended. Irreparably damaged. On the precipice of ending a 24-year marriage, it’s very foundation crumbling, my wife violently took the life of the woman with whom I had unexpectedly fallen in love. And then she took her own. I have spent many sleepless nights and months, desperately trying to piece it all together. How did I and so many others miss the signs?

For years, my wife had suffered from depression and more recently diagnosed with PTSD due to the trauma of our marriage ending. But there was something else. Something gone undiagnosed by her psychologist, our marriage therapist and her clinical psychiatrist. We all missed the red flags.

There will undoubtedly be critics, angry that I decided to speak out, that I’m stirring up a story that the media and everyone had finally forgotten. But I don’t want to forget. I can’t, and I couldn’t if I tried. I too was mortally wounded, not by a bullet but by a ruthless plot for revenge that still leaves a giant hole in my heart. A hole that can’t begin to heal until I can get it all out in the open.

What started as a journaling exercise evolved into a year-long investigation and cathartic search for answers. How did it happen? What could I have done differently? And where do I go from here? Join me as I continue my search for which I have more questions than I currently have answers.